i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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