Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
