my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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