I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
