At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
