I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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