I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That accounts for only three of the penises
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
