I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
