yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
