New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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