I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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