some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
