im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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