Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
