I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
