anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
