i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my poor anus
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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