So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
