I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
