Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
