I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
