Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
