Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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