okay pat passed out under dana's car
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
