my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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