What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
