he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
my poor anus
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
