it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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