if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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