FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
