i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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