Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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