I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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