Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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