So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
