hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
