Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
