we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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