I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
