Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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