I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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