Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
