this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
