So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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