I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
