Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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