fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
