and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
