Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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