Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
why do cheetos always look like penises
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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